Last Will and Testament
We’ve just got back from the funeral,
It was quite a sad affair,
It would have been so much better
If all the family hadn’t been there.
Some I hadn’t seen for years,
Long lost aunts and cousins,
I’m sure they’ve crawled out of the woodwork,
There seemed to be several dozens.
Somehow we all squashed into the house,
Good job there was plenty to eat,
Then came the man we’d been waiting for,
The man they’d been longing to meet.
Mr Longshanks, the lawyer, with his little black bag
Who was going to read the will,
The last bequest of my husband, Charles,
Quiet! - now everyone’s still.
As his wife I know what he’s put in it
But nobody else has a clue,
I’m longing to see the looks on their faces
When they find out what’s going to who.
Auntie Freda’s got the marble clock,
The one she’s always hated,
Cousin Dorothy’s inherited the beaded curtain,
So terribly outdated.
Michael’s been left the garden gnomes,
He’s far too posh for those,
And Hilda’s been landed with the statue of Venus,
The one with the broken nose.
To cousin Ralph has gone the bike,
Circa nineteen forty,
And prim Aunt Jane will get a book
Of photos - mostly naughty.
And so it went on down the list,
My husband loved a joke,
He left his entire estate to me,
But nothing for those greedy folk.
Already they’re starting to butter me up,
Fawning on me with flattery,
When I die they think they’re getting my money
But it’s going to the local cattery.