I’m sorry I have bad news for all you girls and boys
This year I won’t be able to bring you any lovely toys.
I thought that by living in Lapland I’d escape their nasty tricks
But those elf’n’safety people have come down like a ton of bricks.
They visited me yesterday with all their papers and files
And on their stupid faces were lots of smarmy smiles.
It seems that for years I’ve been breaking the law on several different counts,
The fines that I shall have to pay will be for huge amounts.
First off they said that there’s no way I’d be allowed to fly,
I couldn’t possibly take my sleigh away into the sky.
I wouldn’t be allowed a pilot’s licence till I’d had some lessons,
They said I’d need at least fifteen at a hundred pounds a session.
Goggles and helmet and flying suit would cost a pretty packet,
I very nearly told them what I thought about this racket.
Without the proper paperwork, reams and reams of it,
To invade any country’s airspace I was certainly not fit.
“And what about those reindeer who pull your scarlet sledge?
They’ve been doing it for so many years, they’re really over the edge.
The RSPCA are here to examine their living quarters,
The old ones and the young ones and all their sons and daughters.
Here are the forms for you to fill in with all their family history”
There’s no possible way I can do that, the whole thing is hid in mystery.
When that lot look at Rudolph’s nose I know what they are thinking,
But no, he’s always totally sober, he never goes out drinking.
They told me there was no way I could land on anyone’s roof,
A tile could easily be displaced by a reindeer’s hoof,
It could fall down with an awful crash and land on somebody’s head,
“It’s dangerous and illegal”, they very officiously said.
And as for going into children’s rooms in the middle of the night,
They threw up their hands in horror, that certainly wasn’t right.
And I mustn’t drink all that sherry, for hadn’t I realised
I’d certainly be taken in and promptly breathalysed.
They criticised me left and right, “You think that you’re a goodie
But in that ridiculous outfit you look more like a hoodie.
You’ll have to shave those whiskers off, you look a right disgrace,
If caught on any of our cameras we’d not recognise your face.
Those vertically challenged people that you employ are obviously under age,
And we must have proof that you are paying them a living wage.”
Well, now they’ve gone, thank goodness, but so my little dears,
Until I’ve completed all this paperwork I shan’t be around for years.